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Always read the small print…

February 3, 2016

How products should be described to expectant Mums; I’m not saying they’re described badly by those marketing bods paid millions to promote said products. I’m admittedly a marketing persons dream, a packaging whore through and through. If it comes in a pretty box I’m sold; I’m however even more sold by a bit of Mum to Mum advice from time to time and I hope the below product descriptions written with some life experience on my part help other Mums make informed product choices!

The below is what the unwritten small print reads like in my head:

1. Baby grows without poppers up the front and down each leg.

These sidey poppers or just poppers at the bottom, nice flat body with lovely design on them baby grows might look nice but they should in fact be described as so (especially to those without children who thoughtfully buy them as gifts)

Shit streaking suits (SSS), however which way you get this thing off the fact you cannot un pop your baby and simply lift them out of the pool of shit up their back or down their legs or both. Shit is going to get real with this garment lady! Yes it has those nifty shoulders you can peel off down the body but even if you don’t have to smear shit on your babies head your going to smear it down their legs and that squirmy little octopus is in turn going to smear that shit everywhere whilst you wrestle them out of the shitty baby grow.

The SSS should also come with the following user instructions should you be new to the world of motherhood and you have to deal with a shit situ whilst your baby is in one whist these bad boys:

· Get scissors, carrier bag, shitty baby & take these three things to your bathroom
· Turn on shower gently & place in bath (the gentle bit is important here, a shower on full pelt is only going to help pebble dash that pootastrophie all over your bathroom should you let go of it accidently)
· Lay baby in bath
· Take scissors and cut said baby out of SSS placing it out of reach of baby.
· Remove nappy that has failed to do its job (unless you’re challenging the marketing spiel and left it on for ’12 hrs of dryness’ in which case you were asking for this. But hey a girls gotta try these things from time to time)
· Shower shit off baby
· Sooth screaming baby
· Apply new nappy
· Apply new babygrow with poppers up the front
· Deposit baby somewhere safe and child proof – cot or travel cot (see later listing)
· Go back and bin all shitty products you left in the bathroom in an outside bin
· Go to baby’s room and remove all non poppers down the front baby grows from your house, give them to a toddler group to use as dolls clothes – dolls do not have poostastrpoies

2. Sudocreme

Shit that heels so many things (everything it says on the label & more) if applied whilst your child is sleeping and it stays on long enough to do its magic work. However please be warned in your children’s waking hours this product serves only to fuck your day up! It is a nightmare to get out of your carpet and even more challenging when your two year old has sprinkled powder on top so you weren’t aware it was there until you ran the Hoover over the display of defiance for being left in his room.

A very clever fellow mummy blogger once said “Silence isn’t golden, its lets smear Sudocreme into the carpet time “. “Keep out of reach of children to avoid disaster” should be the strap line on the packet, like the warnings on fag packets, its false advertising this product only aims to serve!

I left P in the cage, had a shower, Houdini was keeping her company, they were laughing, I thought it was cute they were playing nicely, I opened the door to this!!!

I left P in the cage, had a shower, Houdini was keeping her company, they were laughing, I thought it was cute they were playing nicely, I opened the door to this!!!

3. Cots or Travel Cots

Nice terminology for play pen which is in turn nice terminology for cage!

Children’s cage. A place you can dump your child and know they’ll be safe. And more importantly where you left them when you return. The cage is useful whilst you go for a wee, put your baby down whilst you clear up a SSS poosastrophie or if you’re feeling brave maybe have a shower.

The Travel Cot children’s cage is useful for on the ad-hoc caging at friends and alfresco caging should you require it.

There are some precursors to this product performing however:

WARNING:

You cannot put hurty toys (as my three year old called them when he’s accidently twated his sister over the head with a run along frog or Puss in Boots sword) in the cage, only soft non hurty ones.

Fabric books are a great cage accessory – unless your baby is akin to a Jack Russell and can demolish a fabric toy in under 5 minutes in which case pick a different non hurty toy (actually don’t leave this child unattended you’re just asking to be on embarrassing bodies saying your child ate four cuddly toys and has a stomach that looks like he swallowed a football)

Plastic ball pool balls work, board books, cuddly toys that squeak and rattle – you get my gist – just not a play sword or anything else gougey.

A full plethora of safe cage toys....

A full plethora of safe cage toys….

 

4. Reins

A great product for preventing road traffic accidents whilst making your toddler look like Pinocchio before he lost his strings. Also a fantastic work out for your upper body especially your arms. To avoid one particularly hulk like mum arm remember to swap arms regularly* whilst your toddler is swinging in the abyss, all of their body limp with defiance, feet scarping along the pavement.

* If you carry a baby/ or particularly large designer handbag (living in a mum dream world here but a girl can wish right!?) frequently on one side, this bad boy will help even out the definition in your arms! Simply attach to toddler and hold reigns in non baby carrying arm, head of to the library or any other venue that hosts child friendly activities once a week and jobs a goodun.

5. Alarm clock

This product is only recommended to persons not responsible for children under the age of 13.

An obsolete item you won’t need for a decade at least post the birth of your first child.

If by some happy miracle your children sleep in. Please note this will never happen at the weekend and it won’t happen more than a handful of times, so don’t ruin it with an alarm. Roll with it and excuse your lateness with traffic at work if you have to – no one will believe you if you say the children slept in. anyway!

6. Jumparoo

AKA the circle of neglect.

The product real raw and honest description where it all began – see first ever blog post.http://hashtagbadparent.com/going-viral/

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